Not to be morbid or completely negative but I do think about death quite a bit.
Maybe this is healthy and maybe it isn’t, but it’s what I do.
Not in like a suicidal sense, although I have had those thoughts in the past. I cannot judge that though, I’ve come really far.
Anyways I’m getting off topic…
The way I view death now is getting more graciously fearful. It seems as though it’s just one of those concepts that allows you to gain perspective at every moment but also feel as though time is almost up. I have always hated feeling pressed for time and maybe it’s because I would always wait last minute or maybe just my constant need for control has always kept me feeling like I need to have time at my disposal.
Geez I think too much…
Nonetheless, my point is I feel grateful to be on the planet. Everytime I get in an argument within myself or with my fiance or someone or something else I keep coming back to the thought of, who will be at my funeral? What will everyone remember about me after I pass? I already know that people don’t get praised too long after their passing but would it be just a few hours and a service and then majority of people go back to the daily tasks of the world?
I used to think that I wanted attention?
I used to think that I wanted fame. Now I think I just want to be remembered, and maybe that’s why I want to make such a positive impact in as many people individually as I can. Not for the attention when I’m alive but for the lessons I can put out for others after I’m gone.
It took someone else to point out to me that the content I have posted and all of the writings I have done and songs I’ve made are all memorable pieces of me that I will leave for everyone after I am no longer on this Earth. I will leave my children with videos and writings of my thoughts of who I was while I was still breathing. I don’t care about money. Of course I care about making sure my family is taken care of but I feel maybe that’s why I never want to do or buy or get anything for my benefit. I only need what I have. I have taken advantage of people and manipulated people. I have made mistakes but to judge myself for my past decision making is taking away from the memories I can create now and not allowing me correct all of the wrongs I have done in the past. To leave a legacy for myself and for my family, and to be proud of the life I chose to lead and not just conform to!
I have often thought of not writing or expressing myself at all because nobody truly cares whole heartedly about what I do aside from me, but for some reason when I view the fact that I’ll always have reflections of myself at different moments in life I can’t help but to believe that I can maybe help others learn as well and know that they are not and will not ever be alone in the ways that they feel.
I Feel Like I’ve Never Fit In.
To be quite honest I feel I’ve had to put a mask on for everyone because my true open self has always been looked at with confusion and judgement as opposed to acceptance and loving curiosity. I don’t know why I am the way I am but I just know I am who I am. I know it’s naive to think that others do not feel this way I’m sure this is a common problem for most people. However I just want to be a good human being and a loving father and husband. I just want to make a positive difference in the world. I want people to grow because that’s where the transformation is. Not in wishing for things to get better and planting unruly expectations on every outcome you try to put into your bucket list.
I recently listened to the Aubrey Marcus podcast, as I do daily, and famous recording artist and even more amazing human being Mike Posner was on there discussing his journey. He discussed all of his success and how it never made him as fulfilled as he thought it would, then at the height of his Ibiza song his father passed of brain cancer and good friend Avicii ended up passing as well. It opens your eyes to others such as Robin Williams having so much and making so much history while still feeling so lost within themselves. I also recently listened to his album ‘A Real Good Kid’ and it was profoundly beautiful. It spoke to me and was designed to be listened in one 40 minute sitting. I recommend you take a listen to both the podcast and the album here if you’ve got an extra hour and 45 minutes some time…
The Point of This is.
We are consciousness, and with that we also need to be asking the right questions beforehand… Such as..
What are we attaching our identities to?
Is it our consciousness or is it our title?
Is it our expectation?
Is it our bodies?..
Whatever it is, identify with who you are inside your mind and be a peace with whoever that is. You are not this life you are the consciousness within it. Learn to be a master of your own mind and grow into a life long learner so you can make the world a better place little by little by making yourself better little by little.
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GoodVibes!
